Can YOU find Lucky's pot of gold?!

Dear Raymond:

I thought I would give you a nice little surprise by cleaning your bedroom today, what with it being your 36th birthday and all. I figured it would be nice to scrape away the stalactites of dried mucous from the underside of your puzzle desk. It's also getting warmer out, so it's about time to haul down from the attic your wrap-around print wolf tee-shirts and organize them by color and state park. Just a real nice, nice surprise. That's all. Needless to say, Mama was appalled when she found videos of you relieving yourself all over our yard, prized dwarf Hinoki false-cypress, and high-end, custom-aged masonry. And what in god's green earth have you done to my measuring cups?? What am I to do with you? Heavens to Betsy this is surely not how your father and I raised you. Jesus wept. I want you out of my home by Monday morning, Mr. Rainbowman211. By the way, you also have to urinate on this photo of your poor, bloated-with-grief mama.

regretfully,

~Mama

MTV Funds The Donkey Show

I do like Vice magazine, although in my defense it's obligatory. I'm 20-something, listen to self-important "independent" music, wear pants that feel more like leggings (three days out of the week, at least) and affect (occasionally, after drinking and in most social situations) the smug armchair nihilism of one who has overindulged in Chuck Palahniuk novels. So yes, I'm their audience, doing my abject doggy paddle through an ocean of snark-infected Evian just to fit in.
Following this self-conscious apology, what I mean to say is that even for those of you who aren't familiar with the criticism of this particular publication (which is now a channel, or something) there's this little gem (IN WHICH A MAN FUCKS A DONKEY!!! WARN'D!).
If for some reason your mouth feels a little bit dry but still kind of bitter, (like you just swished some cheap coffee around an hour ago and then spit it out and then like, ate three or four tortilla chips) that's just the taste of corporate come (MTV owns Vice)- feel free to like, beg them to text you some time. I mean, they won't, they're too busy trying to stay relevant [SEE ABOVE] and you're probably just too not-lame-enough to be suitably ironic (adVICE: dress like you need help dressing yourself).

"Man, you are the best."

I am a man with ghosts. Ghosts of my past. Skeletons in my closet. Corpses stacked to the roof of my libido, putrefying the bedroom every night. That may be a mite bit heavy-handed. I like to think of them less as piles of pungent corpses and more as an entire banquet hall filled with countless clones of my 86-year old Uncle Ted. The one with staph-infected cracks in his hands. The one who asked me if I was familiarizing myself with the female gender as I was changing my 2-month old niece's diaper. The one who I always denied being related to in any way growing up. It's been this way forever. I don't quite remember where I was when I realized that muscular, agile men in peril hatch out entire broods of butterflies in my stomach every time. Whether its their arms turning to lead (again) and their inability to conceal their suddenly visible penises or their need to pull off some Mega Man-caliber maneuvering, inexplicably jumping from one ledge in a large metal room to another, my manhole just gets so... achy. I need them to encourage me in near-robotic voices, the more nondescript the better. I need them to part their lips for my baby bottle full of strange seminal fluids and then reward me with a hearty thumbs-up.
Yep... it can be awfully lonesome sometimes trying to fulfill these obscure-as-shit desires. Wait. Oh fuck. I almost forgot about THE INTERNET! Oops. Internet: The gumbo of fucking.

Genital Subincision, or as I like to call it, the Half-Bobbit.

One of the most disturbing facts about this phenomenon is that is doesn't have a lengthy wikipedia article, which would imply that it doesn't exist. I, however, have the language of pixels on my side. And if the absence of contemporary information on inverting your penis doesn't frighten you, it's oddly comforting to know that even the traditions that require it don't really explain why it's performed.

This article should do it. I, for one, am enthralled with the simple name of the "Clip and Cut" procedure. Surely sounds like something I would do to my genitals, especially without medical training.



Of other interest, there is currently a website that allows you to rickroll people's phones. I know most of the people who troll this god-awful site must also know about it, but if I'm even educating one more person I would say it's a valiant effort. I do believe you're only offered one rickroll per 30 minutes, so choose wisely.

rickroll.prankdialer.com

Has it been a very long time yet?

Three Definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary

Funnel (noun): Tube, pipe, channel, conduit.

Mouth (noun): Lips, jaws, maw, muzzle.

Feces (noun): Excrement, bodily waste, waste matter, ordure, dung, manure, excreta, stools, droppings, dirt, filth, muck, mess, night soil; INFORMAL poop, pooh, doo-doo, turds, poo, caca.

We all know how to add.

X-Men Porn

There is no reason that Wolverine would risk permanent loss of his powers through sexual contact with Rogue. He would become completely immobile from the weight of his adamantium skeleton if he didn't have his superhuman strength, at the very least. This is a dumb idea. Her pubic hair is the only passably interesting part of this whole scenario.

Brazil Farts.

This blog has lost its novelty.

The Shocker

I'm going to assume that the tin foil hat is on the penis at the behest of the wily slatterns at MIT's Media Studies Lab ("OOOOH, look how expensive our equipment is! See how Bloomberg News said that our endowment returns were the best in the country?") Newsflash, cuntlouse: tin foil condoms don't stop anyone from reading your dick's mind. You need to teach it occlumency.

Raised by Wolves

Simply posting this in the context of the other videos on this site is probably fursecution. That's kind of the point.

So proud

Pride Sack fanart from J.Gallagher.

Fuck. For some reason I can have this on my Photobucket account, but not the Roarsticles. Weird.

I need a reliable hosting service that doesn't discriminate against the junk.

Judy's Bloom

The back story (pun?) for this one is pretty easy to set up - guy picks up two crack whores, at least one of whom is known to him, and takes them back to some kind of seedy motel. Guy then demands that they strip before denuding himself (after all, what man in his right mind would get naked before the hookers do) and letting them go to work for a bit. Then our fellow whips out the digital camera that his son-in-law got him for Christmas from that Best-Buy in that mall up near the high school, the same digital camera he used to document the Canada geese that were swimming in his pool (to the delight of the children) this past September.
The single lens unblinkingly witnesses the travesty of the woman's asshole as it turns itself inside out in a simultaneous mockery of birth and excretion. He expresses approval at the rosebud of intestine nervously blooming before his eyes, the other woman exclaims that she's never seen one of those before - but she's game. She has to be, as his guttural susurrations encourage her to toss the salad of the prolapsed anus. Just to make damn sure that everything unforgivable, it lasts for over three minutes. At 1:06 her extroverted bowel utters the saddest fart that I have ever heard - an anguished baritone outcry against drug use and prostitution.

Eviscerape

Allow me to present yet another horrible act of Asian invention (let's call it "deconstructed bestiality") hosted so generously by the chauvinist neckbeards at EFuckt.
I aver that this is film has an anachronistic vaudevillian sensibility resulting from the dramatization of ironic wordplay. This is illustrated, principally, in the conclusion, in which the male climax, a synonym of which is "head," is fantastically transmuted to a dangling and decapitated literal cranium.
The fact that it's Asian (as evidenced by the blurred genitals, which themselves are a consequence of the hollow-boned and thus aerodynamic physical structure of the races of the Orient) might lead some to speculate as to the veracity of the above exegesis, since the Asiatic peoples are not known for their innate facility with words which are, in the Queen's English, synonymous. To those nay saying armchair lexicographers, I respond with evidence provided by dear BabelFish translation that the Japanese writing of ejaculate is "精液," while head is "頭部". Both of these peculiar compound graphemes resemble the scribblings of an armless man with a mouth full of toothpicks in litter box, but since they are roughly the same length they're almost certainly considered "synonymous" in the parlance of that Mothra-infested island.

Goldfish: Semen's Condiments

Remember when your ol' pop told you the story about how that one time when he was in college/the army a friend of his swallowed goldfish, only to spit them back up alive? That's just the kind of talent bulimic wang-wranglers are wild to emulate in this petite film du jour, I suppose. Why the fuck else would anyone do this?
Note: the video is tiny and is itself afloat in a sea of harlequin advertisements, but it is the only moving image on the page. In the words of The Good Dr., "it's just too small enough."

Rural Men Unite!

Grab your ATVs, your Carhartt jackets, your camouflage pants! Swing by in your Chevy and bring some Slim Jims to mow down while watching WWE (while still calling it WWF). Pop in some of that Grizzly while watching videotapes of you railin' on your stepsons. Mount your treestand and live it up, live it up.

Lady's Slipper

[12:55 pm Wednesday 6 Feb - back online]
[EDIT 11:50 pm Monday 4 Feb - the video seems to be off line because redtube has been haxed. boo! it'll be back soon, so don't cry about it.]

If a video incorporates 3+ fetishes within five minutes, I will almost certainly love it. This one is of particular interest because it owes its story line to M. Night Shyamalan's rejected attempt at smut. Since this is meant to be erotic, a supernatural subplot is translated into Lesbians, and his self-insertion (pun!) cameo is probably symbolic.
It starts out slowly, wooing the audience into some false sense of predictability, then suddenly at 0:50 there is a marked change in the plot's trajectory. The audience is now intrigued. The pre-established cocktail of fetishes (Same-sex coupling, Futurama Cosplay, Bathroom sex) is improved upon, a new focal point has been introduced to the film. The tension resumes once more with the aid of what looks like a sz 8-9, pausing at 1:28 for a moment of unexpected comedic relief, comparable to the tin-foil hats scene in Signs. The viewer is mid-laugh at the first twist, 1:32, which is the catalyst in a chain of events leading to the second precisely orchestrated revelation at 2:12, which ideally would be akin to the memorable and applause-worthy bombshell that first defined Shyamalan as a director, as when we realize Dr. Crowe is actually a ghost. Unfortunately, the second twist manages to surprise without really shocking, more similar to, say, finding out that the enemy in The Village is us. Rather than providing the audience with a thought provoking allegory, this video's plot is smothered by its own inconsistencies and inspires only confusion. Rating: C

Failure

O college!

What what? In the Gut.

While I know that this stuff is manufactured by slippery, nubile 7-10 year olds in sexy Chinese factories, that it's available to anyone who wants it (to scare potential boyfriends/landlords/whatever) for around $30 U.S.American dollars, I was led to believe (by various package warnings read in several ill-lit and wax-reeking Spencer's gift shops between 2000-2004) that these products were for novelty purposes only and not actually for insertion. Frankly, I wasn't aware that people's bodies could accommodate intrusion of this horrible dimension. Names for these mammoth colon-mashers range from "Raging Manhandler" to "Veined Double Dong" (sidenote: it's grape scented) to "King Kong" (21in, 10lbs, bigger than a cat, pictured above) and finally to the product possibly featured in this post's illustrative video, which seemingly goes by the disappointingly straightforward title "16 inch cock with balls beige " (although it looks like he's got at least 18in up there...) Even the adoring fans leaving arousing comments after the video put on their best what-the-fuck style faces to ask "So why is it you haven't long ago ruptured your colon or organ shoved around along the way, and died on the spot?" and, remembering their awe, congratulate Messr. Knki200 on his luck to have the apparently desirable "version of the human intestine track where there is a long relatively straight shot up from the anus" a.k.a. equine rectum. Actually, all of the responses are golden, personal favorite being "I love every second of it. I would love to lick the dildo through your stomach. How long can you maintain it?" adding "Because if it's more than 5 minutes I'd like to freebase some Necco conversation hearts with you as well."

Back to horses. The original reason that this caused heavy-blinking and a nose-wrinkled "Huh." from yrs trly was precisely because I was under the impression that this OUGHT to kill the fella, as evidenced by the case of Mr. Hands (warning: bestiality, which is totally legal in Washington state). The fellow getting reamed here, Kenneth Pinyan, died of a perforated colon. Anyway, horse-dicks are super-big, and human large intestines, while ~5 feet long, are fragile and easily punctured and generally not intended for 12+ inches of plastic dong, so as a valediction I quote commenter mikeeel, "Please, stop doing that!"

The Dead Land of Hershey Squirts

This disclaimer was printed at the top of the upcoming video: "** If the video is not playing please click here to install flash if you don't have it, then email me or if you have any questions at emails.2girls1cup@gmail.com **"

The implications of this is that shock porn is no longer a hidden phenomena. More and more people are watching these videos out of their own volition. I would really enjoy meeting the guy who writes this email: "Excuse me, but I am not able to watch this girl drink a lot of piss. Link me to downloadable software so that I can see this ambrosia."

Speaking of excessive coprophilia and urophilia, 1girl1pitcher does a pretty good job of shocking those already desensitized by 2girls1cup. Not only is this woman willingly downing batches of her own brand, she's accepting hand-outs from nearby breweries. Note your reaction when you see that the guy spills her urine all over her chest.

In a divine moment where the transparency of viral porn becomes evident once again, someone shits into her mouth. All of these videos look like half-assed corollaries to the ever famous, ever disgusting holy grail of vomitpoopsex. With this in mind, however, I have to admit there is one scene that gets incredibly hilarious. First, the woman is covered in shit. Then, as the camera pans out a bit, we see she has nipple clamps on. As it pans further, her red latex-like boots come into view. The 4th grade innocence we attach to the phrase "Hershey Squirts" is gone, replaced with an image of a plumber staring into a clogged toilet, yanking his dog like he just don't care.

They Call'em Fingers But I've Never Seen'em Fing

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Any Way You Want It, That's The Way You Need It

From the slightly offsetting tone of this woman's skin and the heavily upsetting tone of her "bronzer," we're able to discern one thing from the start of this video:

Things ain't gettin' much prettier from here on.

There is already a meat cigar worthy of Groucho in the arena, and I think the question in everybody's mind is: "What's going to happen with that?" Has shock porn achieved enough popularity to be able to make comfortable allusions to such phenomena as Cupchicks (2 Girls 1 Cup) or Goatse.cx? The answer, quite simply, is yes. This video, however, is a false example. Why, you ask?

Because this girl vaginally ingests the poo, and then PCs it right onto her own happy trail.

This legendary move (packing your bean curd into a disreputable woman's sniz), often referred to as "the muffin loaf" or "space docking," has not been well documented on video, probably due to a common lack of sexual interest. This move places coprophilia to another level, as it begs the question: "Can we raise the bar and place this stinky, concentrated evil into your cooch, risking various diseases and lowering the world's cumulative integrity?"

How do you top the turdtwat? And more importantly, how does the porno continue after the cannon has been fired? If someone can find a decent corollary to this video, post post post. The Muffin Loaf Clientele are waiting.

Bananas Gallo

Charaters: M - Maya, owner of "Maya's Butthole" T- Irma "The Lisping Tiger" Rabinowitz C - Vincent Gallo's Canadian Doppleganger
M: Okay, one... two... three...
[pop] [backmask]

T: Oh, dude!
C: Oh fuck, you missed.
T: It hit my mouth, I just couldn't catch it...
C: Okay, well we want to have this in there for fucking the slow motion replay, okay, you gotta catch it, alright? Don't miss it. Catch it. I want you to bite it, okay?
T: I'd better fucking catch it, Maya.
M: K, You ready?
C: Ready.
[pop]

T: Fuck!
C: Alright, this... look, you gotta get it in there, okay? Are you ready?
T: One...
[pop]

T: Fuck, dude, it just doesn't fucking like kinda stay in my mouth, it just like, kinda hits it...
M: Just stick it in there...
C: When you catch it you're actually supposed to open your mouth wide and catch it mid-air, like a dog, you know?
[pop]

M: Oops, sorry, that was my fault...
T: Okay.
M: Push it in there deep, okay? There, you ready?
T: Okay.
M: One, two, three-
[pop]

C and M together: Hahahaha.
T: I think-
C: Okay, let's skip the banana - we have more things we can fucking play with, okay? We got the corn over here that we haven't even touched. Okay, here's some corn-
T: I think there's still a strawberry up there-
C: We don't care about the strawberry, put that corn on the cob up her butt.
T: Woot!
C: What just came out, a grape? Hahahaha.
[end]

So Sayeth Fox News

Addendum to posts by Ko Ko and Night of the Living: Cutting it off is illegal, even if you do it voluntarily, I guess.

Chicken: The Third Most Fuckable Meat

Unfortunately, the remainder of the birdthigh will inevitably be diddled off into her baby canal until it eventually rots and gently gristles out ("gristle" being here used as not only a verb but an onomatopoeia) in a thick, grey gravy sludge.

I was really hoping that her vagina would take a dainty bite out of it - that the meat would be masticated in her nether-maw and digested in reverse order. KFC penetration shouldn't be this wasteful, right? That's some first class edible enjoyment, right there. Thank VeganChrist that her boyfriend manages to regurgitate a few greasy meat shards into her mouth like some sweaty maternal manbird, ensuring that it wasn't entirely wasted...