Sexually Retarded

Hi, I'm Jason. When I was invited to come down to the Pridesack office, I was beside myself with glee. I had no idea that my visit would end in my becoming a full-time guest-blogger. At least not before Ms. Owen entered the meeting room with not one, not two, but three acrobatic sex midgets in tow. Their exposed genitals were a mess of nails, blood, and a variety of flora. As they pleasured her, she explained between gurgling, gibbering shrieks of hateful excitement that I was to become GUEST BLOGGER IN CHIEF.

"Oooohhh my god," I thought. "They're going to eat her, and then they're going to eat me." One of the midgets darted it's eyes up from it's work and eyed me hungrily. Immediately, Ms. Owen lifted the thing into the air with one well executed tug. Patches of pubic hair ripped away and hung from it's saline-injected lips. A single tear rolled down it's cheek, sliding invisible through a fake mustache as she flung it into a corner. The poor thing crumpled head first against a novelty sized pink anvil. It's head became a thing of blood and meat and possibly living viscera, as the organs spilling from it seemed to writhe in spasmagic pain. Pink goo bloomed from it's bare, ambiguous genitals, and I realized it was dying mid-orgasm.

"I'll take it, the job I mean!", I hollered, trying to un-widen my eyes. Too late, I realized my tongue had been lolling loosely from my placid features, and I bit down mid sentence.