The Other Out-Hole

Please, for a moment, consider catheter insertion. Remove it from medical necessity, and cogitate whether this is something you would ever want done to your genitals for fun. The audience I've polled, some among them who have endured the exquisite experience of getting a piece of tubing shoved into their urethrae, almost universally shout "No, Ms. Owen, that would be painful and it would suck horribly!" And yes, it most certainly would, because the urethra is a tiny, fragile orifice designed for getting UTIs and expelling body fluids. Cue squirm-inducing video:

For Him

For Her [thank you to the Kozak for this delicious donation]

More on urethra sex/sounding/pee holes in THE FUTURE!


Unrelated:
Anteaters have four-pronged schlongs, which grow to enormous size and shoot barbed sperm that cause vaginal catastrophes in female anteaters after each session of intercourse. Additionally, I am not a scientist and base half of my research on lying. Fact check me here.

I love reactions to cupchicks, and I love grandma. I also love combinations.
Speaking of Cupchicks, The Smoking Gun just did a fabulous little piece on the origins of; Dlisted sees the story, and raises you a "blame Alberto Gonzalez".

Here Be Low Prices

In case you haven't seen it already (it has been blogged to death, but I offer it regardless) here's the video of a 21yr old from Arizona - "Baseballplaya" - who happens to enjoy badgering his witness in Wal-Marts and Dillards, in the natural habitat of trouser-perusing octogenarians. This video was originally posted on X-tube before it was removed (along with his profile, which described an affection for edging, bears, and daddies.)
Wal-Mart has historically been a site for births, deaths, and D&D lolz, so it doesn't surprise me that he would chose to stage a solitary, genitally exposed larping campaign there. The question then remains, what would his character gain from such a quest? I found the answer lurking like a mangy inbred child in the mind of my local DM, Kyle "Extreme Kyle!" Dart-Gintzler:

Dart: In that case I would actually say he gets a magic item from it. Maricopa County and Walmart's Enchanted Parchment of Restrained Order. While it is cursed in that he can't get into a Walmart without summoning 6d6 kobolds to attack, he gets a +5 to all intimidate checks against women, and a +5 to bluff checks to kids.
Dart: Also a sword that does an extra 5 damage to gnolls
Dart: It's also better used as an adventure hook where he has a reason to go through the dungeon "Maricopa County Jail." But that adventure is only for level 10 or above players

Dick Splinters

You know that post I made earlier about furniture porn, and how I expressed a desire for a live-action video presentation thereof? Right, well, wish granted - lucky me.
Why is this wonderful? Because it's absurd to have intercourse with such a sexless object. Perhaps my admiration of the video is just general penis envy; I'll be the first to admit that if I was blessed with the endowment of a clam-hammer I'd be cramming it into every gaping maw and unresponsive slot I could find (instead, I'm cursed with a camera-pouch).
The video's description provides no insight into motivation, and instead reads like one of those brilliantly scripted MAD TV sketches that celebrate the linguistic impairments of foreigners:

"A guy is fucking his chair...

The chair didn't orgasming."

Was the chair supposed to orgasm, or is that sarcasm? He doesn't seem to be putting forth much effort at getting the chair off, but some guys are like that. What would a chair orgasm even look like? Why did he film it? Why is there a page-peel transition to the slowmo takes of this guy dicking the chair? Why do his moans sound like a door creaking open? Is he doing this to prove a point?

Airtight Seals: Fetish or Fuckin' Weird?

In traversing the dark subcultures as presented by the myriad of internet porn videos that Google will yield, sometimes you DON'T find gems. In an attempt to find videos that are relevant to the (dare I say?) shocking nature of sexuality, I've obtained one clip that runs tangential to our focus. It's not quite sexual, yet it can't be quite platonic.

The act that this man commits is so easily justifiable as an act of hazing, but nowhere in the video do you find evidence of another person. The only sentient being is himself, taking a warm Roman facial (made possible by the wonders of saran wrap). As a digression, would you say that saran wrap is innocent stuff? I would have five weeks ago, only having knowledge of it as the plastic that kept my casseroles fresh. Now it's just a common item in shock fetish videos. Something to keep the shit out but the vomit in. Yummy!

The last phrase in the video is: "Pretty gross, but I just got it done." What influence created this man's urge to "get it done?" He doesn't seem to be a "Larry the Cable Guy" type, although it's hard to tell now. Drinking nearly a gallon of milk is crazy enough, but wanting to squelch your face in it is... inexplicable.

This video can't be sexual. I hope it is.

If They're Teenage, Is This Illegal?

Today is Part 1 of "Sex With Things That Scare Me":
Giant Squid (AKA God's Tumors) - Since Giant Squid are notoriously rare, and so evil that the blackness of their sin chemically eviscerates anyone unfortunate enough to encounter them, their closest (also evil, but more edible) relative is the common, creepy-ass cephalopod: the octopus. This video is like a Japanese essay composed around the generic thesis question "If I can put in in my mouth and my aquarium, why can't I have sex with it until it dies?"
See also: the eels, the seacucumber thing
As an aside (or some kind of compensatory video post for my general laziness) here's a shittily forced portrait of one of America's greatest heroes in a half-shell, and of fucking course it's on an EverQuest messageboard. Spoiler: April gets a nunchuck in her puckered starfish, and it is awesome.

Dear Japan...

I'm so mad at you right now - your filthy, slippery body and your harsh moon-language squeals during the orgasms you earn from the most abominable, loathesome sources, your rapturous convulsions at the sight of potential food source/bodily orifice combinations, your little hands and impossible promises of yaoi-drawing robots...
Oh, and this.
What the fuck, Japan? No, you know what? No. It isn't fucking OK. Put your over-enthusiastic peace-sign down and shut up about "desu, desu!!!!," we're done. Stop it. No, I'm out of here. Don't ever try to fucking call me again.

An Engineering Marvel

The future is cumming.