BallMashers II

NOTE: If Ko Ko's post of the BME self-castration bothered you, you'll probably hate this, so if you're covered in baby girls or are otherwise of the weak-and-moist persuasion, just leave this one alone. Really.
However, if you hate your testicles enough to puncture them with play-piercing needles loaded into a caulking gun, or if it ever seems like a neat-o idea to light your dick on fire, please video tape it and post it to the internet so that I can leave commentary in the form of yawning emoticons and mock-directions to The Department of Redundancy Department.
PS. To the Good Dr. B., I'm sorry that at 0:17 there is a guy spraying bloody semen. There is, sadly, very little left to be done in the realm of scrotal destruction.

Rather, From The War To The Womb

"Protect our troops - from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?"

Caption Contest

Winner gets bragging rights. Happy Holidays.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Carlos must be a very lucky man.

Castrotica... The Worst Planet EVER

What is it about the prospect of scooping my penis from my pelvic cavity that makes me quiver and convulse involuntarily? Why does my heart sink to my feet when I imagine bobbing my balls with a rubber band until they blacken, dessicate, and flake away like sexy dandruff? Is there something wrong with me? It's not because I'm a sexually-defined dudebro either. When I see Chris Farley get rogered in his meatbasket with a giant fish, I barely take notice. It's just not a tender subject of mine. I can, and have on numerous occasions, watched gender reassignment procedures without batting an eye. The idea of flaying my penis and shoving it back inside of me to make an ugly little cooter doesn't "irk" me. At least not in any emasculating way. It garnishes a big "whatever" on the "holy fucking shit" scale. So why do eunuchs make me want to die a little bit... oh alright, A WHOLE LOT? I think it's that becoming a eunuch is so final. It's like being trapped in sexual purgatory, where repulsive, body-modified men named "Byron" and "Skab" force you to eat uncooked rice and lactate into their willing mouths. If the mind-numbing duress and finality of replacing your entire biological motivation with keloid-scarred androgyny is something that appeals to your weekend warrior side, then, maybe you need something to dissuade you.

Albino Porn

Oh holy grail of internet porns, I salute thee.
Here at Pridesack, we usually post videos. Usually. Today I make the exception because I'm damned if I can find free interweb videos of albino porn - somebody please prove me wrong.
Anyway, these are all the same girl, the same albino, but boy does she love touching wee-wees on camera for profit. And yes, I do believe in her albinism, despite the pigmentation of the eyes, she seems to have otherwise unnaturally blonde hair (the roots of which show to varying degrees) and of course, melanin-free skin. More about the eyes (which are not lab-rat-red)-
"Oculocutaneous albinism type 1 (OCA1) (Mendelian Inheritance in Man (OMIM) 203100) is the type with (usually) the least amount of pigment. People with this type generally have very pale skin, white to yellow hair (depending on subtype, see below) and light blue eyes..."
Yes, this is the "surprise" I mentioned last Friday - SomethingAwful goons said that it couldn't be done and fucking BAM! I ruled them tres hard.
"Why is this awesome?" you might ask (if you're an asshole who hates fun) - well, because it's rare - albinism is, I mean, and the point of "awesome" porn (not gross, not painful, not stimulating, necessarily, but awesome porn) is to find the exotic and force it into some form of eroticism. Rarities (congenital deformations, amazing talents, fantastic locations, costumes, positions, etc.) plus sexual acts (or at least genital contact) equals pretty interesting stuff. So you know, have at it.
P.S. You're all very welcome.

Oi!/Oy!

After much begging, pleading and black mail, Ms. Owen has finally allowed me to contribute to the crusty, runny, smelly little erogenous zone we call the Pride Sack. It's an, um, honor. I think.

Unfortunately, the footsteps I have to follow are of such great girth and width. Each and every one of the regular contributors are valued connoisseurs of the filthy underbelly of the online porno community. What could I possibly offer?

Seeing that there's a monopoly held on unsettling and disgusting content I suppose I will have to use my expertise of all things awkward to pull my weight around here.

And what could be more awkward than curious skinheads?


Okay, I guess they seem pretty sure of themselves. Apparently the only thing skinheads love more than smoking, drinking, atrocious techno and beating the shit out of people is some good old fashioned brotherly love.
A-dorable.

This on the other hand just scares me. This is a man who you do not want to cruise. Any guy badass enough to rock the U.S. flag chest piece while spraying seed all over the internet is far too much man for me. I don't think I've ever encountered someone so enthusiastic about causing harm with his sex organs and jizz-lathered hand. He doesn't even know you, but boy does he want to make you his bitch. Yikes.

On that note, be safe this holiday season. Though times get lonely, fellating scary skinhead boys isn't always the answer. I leave you with an alternative.
Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah

"He Eats Shit While His Mullet Blows in the Wind"

Despite having one of the most poetic titles I've ever encountered, this video kind of sucks for a couple reasons. You can tell it's not home-distributed because of the music. What kind of self-respecting redneck would publish a video of himself tossing his wife's salad to weirdo 80s trance music? In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Greens Trailer Park, he owes it to his fellow greasemonkeys to play "Enter Sandman" on his cassette player as he cornholes someone who could very well be his 3rd cousin.

Man, I was hoping that shocking fetishes wouldn't penetrate that demographic, partially because they're kinda gross enough, you know? I used to see a lot of 5th graders at my old school wearing XXL Looney Tunes shirts from 1994, talking about how kickass their father's Chevy was (dual pipes? Rev that shit!). After you see this guy's wife soft-serve up some of last night's TV dinner, you're automatically treated to a guest tour of what it looks like to eat shit in the bathroom of a double wide.

(P.S. You never actually see his mullet blow in the wind, but as the video ends abruptly, you can see that he was going to spit the dook all over his wife's back. Extra-credit to anyone who finds the second edition of: "Gone Muddin' With My Wife.")

Latent Seafood Fetish

I'm glad that seafood fucking crosses gender and ethnic divides. Really. And what are those chicks playing with in the background? Oh yeah, eels. The ladies in the background look eastern european, so Japan apparently doesn't have a corner on the fornicating-with-edible-aquatic-life market - a fact that doesn't comfort me in the slightest. Is it the slipperiness, the phallic shape, the vaguely-vaginal smell, the taboo, the teeth? Is this thing diversely documented because it is a ubiquitous fetishization of seadwellers, or am I just preoccupied with this particular bizarre means to orgasm? I'm actually surprised that I've been unable to find a specific website dedicated to mammalian-osteichthyes eroticism. As there are extant videos, I had kind of assumed that there was a niche site, you know? Pay-per-video shit. Perhaps there are sites like that, just not in English, which brings me to a new pet complaint -
Ways in which Google disappoints me:
-A Journal of Narrative Theory essay by Ulrike Brisson about Mary Kingsley's study of Fetish in West Africa, called Fetish and Fish, was able to mislead me for several paragraphs before the term fetish was explained as the colonial use of the term, as idolic, polytheistic worship or something. I DO NOT LIKE BEING DUPED BY SUBJECT SPECIFIC DEFINITIONAL VARIANTS, ULRIKE.
-Fetishfish.com is not about fish fetishes, at all.
Next week I have a surprise for you all, and it isn't this.

Brown Town Revisited

I like to look up pornos with the word "disaster" right there in the title - it comforts me to imagine that I'm about to witness some sort of pornographic tragedy, and face it, this blog is all about pornographic tragedy. This, then, is it - the sort of thing that those who engage in dumpster diving live in terror of (well, this and the rectal prolapse thing). What did I learn from this? Most importantly, I learned that Tucker Max is no fibber. I learned how to pause any porno set, if even for a moment. I learned not to let the mic guy play practical jokes that involve putting eyedrops in the pornstar's coffee. Also, I learned that hardcoreweather.com is not nearly as entertaining as I'd hoped.

Pain Is The Cleanser

[note: please watch this video on mute, as otherwise Bush totally ruins my argument.]

Essentially, this is how Lemmy would masturbate if Lemmy ever masturbated, which he does not, because he can't keep the gash off of his steel-like manhood long enough to wrap his powerful fist around it. Rather than the inverted schadenfreude of typical S&M, this is just METAL. Like, say, eating lightbulbs and listening to Judas Priest/Gorgoroth/Dethklok/Mayhem/Napalm Death, putting umlauts over every letter in your name, growing your hair as thin, greasy, and damaged as possible, getting a tattoo of a viking ship made of skulls, or just being Andrew W.K. - this is probably just the most METAL way to masturbate (unless you're jerkin' it in the pit, punching guys all the while and like, rubbing their blood and teeth into it or something). The scrotal garrote proves that you are a man, and you rock deadly hard, so hard that your balls just turn black from the force of your spermatozoal might (and also from that rubber band you're strangling them with).

Can Your Pussy Do The Urinal?

Let's take this conversation from piss hole to piss hole, shall we?
This video is of interest for three reasons that I can think of directly:
1) the hose-master has an accent which allows me to imagine him as a sedated Paul Hogan
2) you can clearly see her vaginal walls as she "push[es] it out slowly"
3) the audio equipment used in this recording was some kind of wonderful, and the sound of fresh urine being PC-muscled out of a vagina is like, incredibly horrible
oh, and 4) the video ends on a queef

Why use a perfectly lovely (if slightly hyper-elastic) vagina as a urinal? Did they, too, watch that episode of South Park where Cartman explains intercourse thusly: "Stick it inside her and pee. If you don't want to get her pregnant you pull it out and pee on her leg"? I tried to ask Google for an answer, but all I got was this game which is hosted on funnygames.biz but is not a funny game AT ALL. "The object of this game is to make this sexy but terrified girl pee." Start playing and notice which hole the "stick"(nail?) is going in.

Levi: I would never buy that for the Wii

lol, Levi, lol.