WELCOME TO THE PRIDE SACK

Hoppy Hirstmas

2011-11-08T12:47:00.003-05:00

Nice and Easy. Classic, right? Website devoted to Inflatable Reindeer, too.

Lee Przybylowicz

2011-08-30T10:44:00.005-04:00

Have you ever dreamed, or even passingly considered, participating in the voluntary sexual humiliation of another person? Look under 'Related Videos' and you can see his full portfolio of videos of humiliation and CBT and pee and stuff. By viewing, you're participating.
Maybe it's like cuckolding, though. People get off on naughtiness, badness, wrongness - meanness and sadness and pain and things. Masturbatory ego indulgence. This guy apparently LOVES to show off his self-described tiny penis. William Hung celebrity status.

Cock and Ball Torture, or CBT

2011-08-24T21:37:00.001-04:00

CBT is dangerous. Romero-splatter dangerous.

cervical scars

2011-08-10T15:14:00.001-04:00

The twist is that she's doing this TO HERSELF.

Poke Her Face (ugh)

2011-05-20T18:43:00.002-04:00

Cute.
Lady Gaga/Katy Pervy porno.

The Japanese Maturity Woman

2011-03-28T11:37:00.003-04:00

In my millenial-generation jadedness, a reactive pathos is made necessary- studiously sincere, I wonder who this reluctant but apparently consenting Yoko woman is - the films indicate that in the early 80's she was around 40 years old. The films themselves appear to be authentically amateur, owing as much to the camera work (stationary? on a tripod?) as to her unshaved, unpolished, beleagured resignation. She would have been born in 1944, making her just a year old when the bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki - she'd be 67 today. (I CAN MATH) I wonder if her house was damaged by the tsunami, and if she ever got divorced or stayed with the guy in these videos. I can't assume that she didn't enjoy herself, I suppose - maybe it was a sub/dom situation or maybe she was just tired.

Stained

2011-03-25T22:21:00.002-04:00

Wonderful.

Adventures on Sexroulette: Vol. 2

2011-03-21T21:20:00.005-04:00

The Good Dr. Benjamin, Koko, and Ill orchestrated FOX and BUNNY handpuppets on sexroulette. Two gents in particular stood out, as they continued to jerk off even when they saw that their chat partner was just two handpuppets screwing.

Greige

2011-03-18T12:06:00.005-04:00

This isn't porn, but it is about the millenial generation's Jenna Jameson - Sasha Grey, the too-much referred to enthusiastic, intellectual, and uber-liberal porn starlet. *
This article is a critique of the neutered porn-ness that disengages the general population from their own obsession with on-demand sex - the way that the porn star, and the porn world, have to be decontextualized and reconstructed to make palatable in the daytime what is shamefully pleasing after dark; or, as Zak Smith** writes, "Those who enjoy whatever private pleasure is to be gained from receiving physical pain publicly would appear not to overlap at all with those who enjoy whatever private pleasure is to be gained from inflicting shame collectively."

Also, it includes lines like this one "There is a cut to the nearly all-female audience looking like they are watching a live appendectomy being performed on an unanesthetized kitten after having been told that, if they move at all, the kitten will be impaled on fence spikes and then incinerated."

*In my opinion, she seems to have one very sleepy eye-fucking facial expression that seems almost comical in its studious but hollow attempt at seductiveness.
** I have an imaginary romantic relationship with Zak Smith.

Just pretend this is Beowulf

2011-03-13T23:20:00.006-04:00

Computer Animated Beast Blowjob, as created by a horny graphic design major at SUNY Buffalo in 1999 and starring this girl he's got a chubby for who is "kind of into acting and totally comfortable with [her] sexuality." Can you try for a moment to imagine what it must be like to PRETEND to be rubbing a penis belonging to a monster all over your face, which is coated with [imaginary] ejaculate? Go Bulls.

Enormous Balls

2011-03-09T19:02:00.004-05:00

Whales have huge balls. Right whales have ENORMOUS balls, which weigh, literally, a ton. Also, they have threesomes. This article is fairly interesting and super informative, and it's about whale penises.

Gap Sex

2011-03-04T19:24:00.004-05:00

If any Gap company EXCEPT OLD NAVY made sex, it would look like this. A bleach-sanitized porno- something you could show your prude girlfriend who doesn't even like sex because she gets turned off by the squishy, bushy, noisy wet parts of coitus. The organic, human, vulnerable, intimate parts. This is the safest porn I've seen outside of softcore, and it looks like it was shot right before/after (during?) an N*Sync video.
The parent company is X-Art, whose website markets "beautiful erotica" on a very flashy, classy website. This shit looks completely professional - sparkling, healthy and homogeneous young models and their hairless, tiny pussies. Young men who probably play lacrosse but are in the off-season and have neither bruises nor intimidating musculature are in a constant state of erection for the suburban sex they gamely perform. The videos themselves sound like the "racy" titles Nars gives their cosmetics ("tenderness," "naked in the sun," "naughty girl"). I sincerely find this kind of porn a bummer - it seems miserably art-less and scrupulously benign - I imagine the men's cumshots (of which I was unable to locate in a video on the site) smell faintly of febreeze and taste like flat Fresca. It's hardly porn - more like easily digested, warm soapy intercourse.

Vanilla Beans vol. 1

2011-03-03T11:12:00.009-05:00

It begs the question, "are we truly advancing as a species?" when the single greatest puppet-themed sex flick was introduced in 1976. It's niche market has been cornered, and virtually uncontested ever since. I suppose the endless panoply of televised, pilly, role models of the 70s and 80s, hands twisting and shucking at their insides, is gone. And I, as a product of that era, should have guessed that the grown-ups merely planted me in front of a screen glowing with Sesame Street, Pinwheel, the Muppets and Muppet Babies, as a means to fulfill their daily fisting requirements, and nothing more. But those shows have largely disappeared. So what sort of demand is there for this type of thing anymore? Maybe this is more about the cathode ray babysitter vs. the broadband babysitter. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and let you watch, nay - experience, LET MY PUPPETS COME.

Adventures on Sexroulette: Part 1

2011-03-02T19:41:00.011-05:00

WATCHING AN OLD GUY JERK OFF

I don't have many hobbies. If "owning a cat" doesn't count as a hobby, then I don't have any hobbies at all. So, here's what I spent the last 20 minutes doing: eating a quesadilla, smoking pot, and going on sexroulette and nexting until I found a charming, small penis.

This penis belonged to a self-described "old man" who had "been married a long time" and wanted to know if a) I would get naked for him (to which I replied "no, I'm doing research for my class at college") and b) if I had ever seen my daddy hard (no.) The last four minuted of the conversation were full of long, long pauses, then he would repeat "this feels good," as if he would be masturbating for any other reason.
Chatroulette works because the purpose is to talk to people, strangers, and have streaming reciprocal video. Sexroulette is for propping the pillows up behind you to make the iSight focus on your genitals while still allowing you to view the screen so you can masturbate and, if you're optimistic, watch someone else (female?) pleasure themselves as well. Audio on sexroulette is like tits on a soccer ball -an awkward game ruiner.

I don't like talking to old strangers while they jerk off, and it wasn't particularly empowering to watch a man ejaculate while I clinically scrutinized his pulsing genitals, pausing to look off at my sleeping cat on the carpet and then blinking back to a screen of his bliss and his labored "mmm, look at that."

the end ?

Better Sex Video

2011-03-01T23:27:00.003-05:00

Anal Stimulation how-to filmed and edited by the cast/crew of E True Hollywood story special reports. Porn + Science voiceover, yes.

Penis Fencing

2011-02-21T08:33:00.000-05:00

Wikipedia

You can't change the word "Nigger" to "Slave"- not even in Huck Finn

2011-02-18T18:23:00.002-05:00

Wood Elf Prince selects and purchases Bald White Naked Hairless Man from Large Black Bodybuilder.

Also, "Comforting a Young Warrior," in which monochromatic skin-bags fondle and fornicate a barbarian easily twice their size, noiselessly lamenting as their anuses fissure - and, probably, tittering with joy as they realize that they do not bleed. No, nor ejaculate, nor shed a tear of any fluid. They are but putty-men, the gollums of the 21st century - blind, silent, repetitive and horny. They move like Voldo through my waking nightmares. I'm so, so thankful that someone spent hours toiling to produce this staggering cinematic revolution.

"House of Gord"

2011-02-17T23:01:00.001-05:00

Pacific Northwest.

Post-Graduate Plans

2011-02-02T16:52:00.007-05:00

There are certain moments in a lifetime when you stumble into a discovery, finding yourself at the mercy of some deus ex machina so lurid and unbelievable that it may feel like you're in a Matrix-world created by Danielle Steele. The results of obsession and research have often resulted in marvelous societal and intellectual advancements and, in most cases, the researchers and thinkers upon whom fall the fruit of these labors experience a certain sense of melancholy. This Weltschmerz is directly motivated by the knowledge of having fulfilled your highest duty to humanity, knowing that your fierce determination (despite numerous setbacks, opposition, and doubt) has humbly offered you your own zenith, has shown you the highest mountain you will ever stand on. From this point on, however, you will never be able to taste air with such a sweet fragrance. You have done the greatest thing you will ever do. Now, while what happened two nights ago to me does not represent obsession or research, it is surely a case of serendipity and fortune that will never be eclipsed, that will never be matched.

Let's flash back to Monday night. I was chatting with an old friend (whom I will refer to as DP) from high school who had sent me a Facebook chat rather unexpectedly. I regret that I was unable to save the conversation, so I will attempt to transcribe a couple of lines purely from memory:

DP: "Hey, do you remember X?"
Me: "Whoaa, what a flashback. Haven't thought about him in years. I'm going to Facebook him right now."

I searched for him. Apparently, the guy lives in Texas now. His profile is laughable, especially the part where, for employment, he seems to have hastily scrawled "own my own business." His duties include, and I assume this is not an inclusive list: "design web cites edit video talent recurter project manger." Seeing as this is not generally CEO-level syntax or spelling, I was quickly intrigued. There are few things more fascinating than failure.

DP goes on to say that he has found something of interest. He asks me my email address. I give it to him. He says the message is sent, and that I need to look at the attached picture as quickly as possible. I refresh my email client 4 or 5 times before the message pops up. I open up, quickly download the attachment, open it in a picture viewer, and ladies and gentlemen, this pops up right before my stunned eyes:

Everyone has seen a picture of this sort from time to time. Well, at least most people who are looking at the Pridesack. The young man with the goatee and the widow's peak is none other than X, one of our high school classmates. Suddenly, the phrase "own my own business" is loaded with allusive power that both of us are too embarrassed to point out. DP had been cruising the internet for gay porn when he came to this site, saw this ad, and saw this. As his boner slowly drained of blood, he thought: "uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's X." I believe he momentarily understood what it was like to be heterosexual.

At this point, we are both absolutely stunned. Who, in the fucking vast expanse of a life, is (un?)fortunate enough to learn of a classmate's exploits in gay pornography NOT through word of mouth, but by pure, unadulterated chance? I decided to invest in some investigative effort. It may not be clear, but the "Limited time offer" on that ad extended from Nov. 1st to Nov. 30th, a period of time that seemed to be linked to my classmate's visage. With Google as my sidekick, I searched "Broke Straight Boys" without too much hope, as it was evident that it is a paysite and, well, my investment in gay pornography doesn't run far enough to reach into the wallet. Luckily enough, I was rewarded with the site's blog. Using the archives function, I pared down the entries to those made between Nov. 1st and Nov. 30th. I was rewarded with my classmate's total nudity in the form of .jpegs, awkward entries about his "preparation" for gay sex, and a handful of awkward glances that seem to shout: "this blowjob WILL earn me $1000, but that doesn't mean my distaste for it can't be palpable, right?" I quickly learn that his porn alias is Braden, a nickname so sadly lacking in cleverness that I almost want to apologize to him for absolutely everything, but nothing in particular. Here is a choice article, the first one that I saw. Of particular note is his refusal to bottom; undoubtedly stemming from his phobic aversion that penetrator = masculine, penetrated = feminine. In fact, as you run into posts featuring him (any with the name "Braden"), you will see that his performance is not only uncomfortable, but it is absolutely and sincerely characteristic of the site's intended gestalt: a broke straight boy who, because straight porn doesn't pay enough, has decided that it is better to have sucked dicks and gotten paid than to never have sucked dicks at all.

The sheer amazement of this discovery still blinds me, and for any lapse in form I will blame the ecstatic high it has induced in me. With a website and a name, I was able to return back to Google for more Schadenfreude. The search "Braden Broke Straight Boys" yields VIDEOS. VIDEOS. I will post the first non-pornographic video that I found, the one in which he is given an interview by a brusque cameraman who utters some of the most charming filth I've ever heard. Case:

Cameraman: Do you consider yourself 'gay for pay'?
X: Yes.
Cameraman: Oh okay, that's cool.

The infinity of potential touchstones in this piece is so intimidating that I think I will focus on one detail. Did you happen to catch their small discussion of X's tattoo? It is a Crayola-grade illustration of himself in an angel's embrace. He says that it is "protective." I am compelled to believe that the real world is much stranger than dreams, and that, as he scowls and is too disgusted to finish a blowjob, the undeniably homosexual recipient of this forced fellatio has this tattoo in plain eyesight. I would not be surprised if the painful, fascinating irony of this causes his tattoo to become a strange, impoverished, and Anglo-Saxon iteration of stigmata, bleeding a blood infused with the saline of tears.

In middle school, he was offered $20 dollars to lick another lacrosse player's balls. He did it, got caught, and was forced to give back the money. It is strangely satisfying to think that, as his tongue draped over the other guy's barely post-prepubescent scrotum, his mind washed over with the thought: "hey, I could make a living out of this." The most I can hope now is that he gets to keep the money.

Japan, again

2011-01-29T22:31:00.001-05:00

How is reverse-birth possibly a fetish?

FOUND IT

2011-01-29T22:19:00.002-05:00

Finding this was excessively pleasing. Double amputee/possible hemiparetic porn, with a beautiful Laotian boygirl on top. You're welcome.

Stupid

2011-01-20T23:46:00.001-05:00

Stupid but fetish related. Octomom in faux-fetish vid - WTF/why?

Attack of the Giant Pervs

2011-01-17T17:48:00.004-05:00

Ugh. This is how I feel about The Sims.

YOU ALL KNOW THIS KID

2011-01-17T17:39:00.002-05:00

For serious. This kid= 1/10 kids.

E-Stim

2010-12-10T18:05:00.002-05:00

There is a new masturbatory tool that I had never heard of! It's called E-stim! You put electrical shocks through your penis!
Anyway, I discovered this fetish first by finding the video on GayTube (My new stomping ground - Redtube is too vanilla and eFukt is too juvenile) and I almost took a joyshit form the novelty of it! I feel so jaded to perversions, now. Anyway, I then looked it up on Google shopping and lo, Amazon is the prince of Christmas. BUT WAIT! You can also purchse - get this - an electric dildo. A cattle prod shaped like a phallus.
Boo.

Disconcertingly Tan

2010-12-09T20:16:00.003-05:00

Our Little Leathery Brothers are able to creep out even the most feral of GayTube commenters. I am particularly distressed, though, to see the sad face emoticon following BigAssGay's poor review of the backwards-pissing demonstration - "porn is supposed to stimulate sexual desire. This video has nothing to do with porn. I really changed my mind from masturbating right now, I will do it later :("

The Lesson of Lot: Genesis 19

2010-12-09T19:58:00.002-05:00

Genesis 19: 30-36

30 And Lot went up out of Zo'ar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zo'ar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.
31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
32 come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

Prof Bros Sodom & Gomorrah

Literotica story about Lot making fuck with his daughters, because they think they're the last people on earth and need to repopulate it.

Nerf : (

2010-07-01T21:36:00.002-04:00

Nerf or Nothin'? Nothin' seems mighty appealing.

An Exploration of the Interstices of Pornography and Visual Impairment

2010-06-05T23:15:00.004-04:00

Things I have learned:

-black dudes love some blind white women
-black dudes have inner demons
-sometimes those demons force them to lure blind girls into fuck-poses

perhaps the monster voices are coming from the girl herself? maybe she's just completely insane, a real schizophrenic who dresses like a school=girl stripper and uses a fireplace poker as her walking stick. Perhaps she has auditory monster hallucinations when she's sexually aroused. Since when is she a virgin who loves getting DP'ed?
She can only ever "see" when she's getting reamed.

Additional Ruminations:
It's weird for blind people to have sex AND for black people to have sex with white people AND for schizophrenics to be schoolgirls AND for two black dudes to make sex with one female woman. Plus she's not even shaved for the monsters.

Your prize for watching to the bitter end: they come on her face like pervy mockingbirds, just chattin'. Chattin' in moans. Repeating moans back and forth, like some grand symphonic orchestra of sensuality.

Shameful Self-Promotion? Yes pls.

2010-06-03T01:47:00.005-04:00

Ms. O will be a model (as Lydia DeBauch).

What's the Ugliest Part of Your Body?

2010-05-30T12:38:00.005-04:00

This is truly fascinating. Freak Fuckers, a porn site devoted to "bizarre" pornography, actually just produces b-horror movie sex scenes with an attempt at a coherent plot. Every other clip on the site makes me think of Videodrome, but Freak Fuckers actually sort of emphasizes the discourse of the Pridesack: why are people paying to see this and ostensibly masturbate to it? This is cinema and grand guignol theater and a donkey show all together. The desire for freak show spectacle has been perverted (a term not used pejoratively on this website) into a Freudian nightmare of GWAR-like proportions. Thankfully, as with GWAR, the tongue is planted firmly in cheek. All the sex seems consensual, and aside from faked enthusiasm for the diddling of tummy-vaginas and neck-pussies, the intercourse seems fairly straightforward and unencumbered by the psychodynamics that drive so much "hardcore" smut; the formula seems to be "put genitals where they don't belong, fuck". The freaks, in this case, are as fake as the prosthetic mouth-vagina's orgasm, which distances these videos from authentic exploitation and comforts your correspondent to no small degree. Is there a disparity between the presumed intention of this pornographic work and its actual result? Are you laughing? Are you turned on?
See also: Labia by Ann Talor

Quaker

2010-05-28T20:17:00.005-04:00

I have attempted to provide a concise translation for the following video, one which does not compromise textual integrity yet maintains the idiosyncratic vernacular of two very fine gentlewomen. To be fair, only one girl speaks, but the other slattern's coughing and feverish moaning must certainly be classified as Chomskyan utterances vis-à-vis the vulgarity of pornographic semantics.

http://www.eatyoursoup.com/

Transcript of conversation, translated from the AZN:

0:04-0:05 - Oh God, the toenail clippings that Katsu cum-glued to my uvula are starting to dislodge…

0:06-0:07 - He, of all people, should know what happens when his ejaculate and my stomach acid mix.

0:20 - Anyways, I think we've got a good shot at ending up on Limewire, being VERRRY well seeded...

0:22-0:26 - They say to shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you land among the stars. We're number one! We're number one!

0:32-0:34 - That last retch felt hot. Let's just hope they don't forget to censor our snatches. Glorious Nippon indeed, eh Kiyoko?

(6/04/2010: It seems that there has already been a post for this video, provided by Ms. Owen some months earlier. While we here at the Pridesack normally eschew this type of repetition, Ms. Owen and I have decided that this post adds quite constructively to hers. Cheers!)

2010-05-28T12:52:00.003-04:00

People always used to look at me oddly when I talked about Snow White being a disturbing movie from my childhood. I wasn't aware that the version I saw as a kid wasn't the one most people think about.

We all have to face our demons, though.

I have to deal with the fact that instead of thinking of dwarves as singing darling little musical numbers of friendly gibberish, I imagine a grunting, dead-eyed creature with a slide whistle penis.

I have to come to terms with the humiliation I felt one evening when I said I thought that drinking a pitcher of SUPER ORGASME and getting impaled on Satan's cock was a pretty extreme death for a children's movie, only to find out that no, the queen was tastefully struck by lightning and crushed to death by a boulder.

And when people talk about the well choreographed scene involving the dwarves' house, I always take a moment to remember they're talking about cute forest animals instead of it pulsing like the TV from Videodrome.

I guess I can find solace in that at least in both versions we have fucking Dopey.

DIKKE-DIKKE-DIKK

Labia by Ann Taylor

2010-05-27T23:14:00.002-04:00

Popular US women's clothing retailer Ann Taylor is now selling a skin-colored tank top with labia hanging on the chest like the costume for some Cronenburg fantasy-woman.

Inverted Dingus

2010-05-27T17:21:00.006-04:00

Cora: I think the rest of it is coiled up in his fupa*.

I have never seen a penis this tiny. I don't know how to feel. As a sexually experienced young woman, I have encountered all manner of peen, but this... it's very small. It's like a mini-marshmallow of foreskin. I don't pity the guy, he's obviously comfortable enough with it to post videos online, and he knows it's small. I don't envy him, either, of course, but how should I feel? Repulsion would be cruel, laughter is worse - but to shrug this off? It is an anomaly. The closest emotion I can articulate is fascination.

*Fupa: Fat Upper Pussy Area

What would Saramago think?

2010-05-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

I'm glad this happened, really. It's as if the sexy parts of porn are being explained to me by strangers. OH WAIT

Epic Unicorn Man is Epic

2010-05-26T12:21:00.004-04:00

Even if this has been seen by every man, woman, and child on this good Earth, this is a thing that needs to be documented; etched in silicon as EUM is etched in our hearts.

Forever and ever, Amen.

"This isn't a train wreck, but it's funny." - Adam

2010-05-25T22:11:00.002-04:00

Not porn, but I still got off on it.

"Little Mermaid Porn and Gore"

2010-05-25T21:58:00.003-04:00

We fffffound this.

My mind is reblown.

"Little Mermaid Porn and Gore" - these are a few of my favorite things.

Yeller Babies

2009-07-30T16:47:00.001-04:00

Get that jelly out of your mouth! This is a respectable institution.

I Warned You Ten Times of These Things

2009-06-10T17:29:00.000-04:00

Sexy how?

2009-03-13T17:39:00.004-04:00

How does she do it on command like that? Ipecac?

Returning, and/or the Bane of Every Anal Masticator

2009-01-26T05:18:00.002-05:00

The Pridesack has fallen under many woes. We editors may be to blame, but lives often unfold without the constant analysis of rigged glory holes or re-posting semi-nostalgic videos whose links have long since been inactive. For this, the lethargy of the 20-something lifestyle is to blame; the rigors facing us seem innumerable and much more relevant than the filth we accumulate underneath our fingernails from the interwebs.

To recapitulate the newest face of agony that, a couple months ago, went unnoticed by the Pridesack, I must write the obligatory post on 1guy1cup. Upon seeing this video, I felt compelled to ring up Merriam-Webster and ask if the word "pariah" could ever, in any manner, be used to describe a 3 minute long video. On a website where anal prolapsing and tentacle rape have become part of the polite vernacular, this video bleeds its way into a shitty pile of abject terror, marked only by the eerie mise en scene of our protagonist's complete silence.

The footage (probably obtained via his mother's Nikon Coolpix) is standard fare until the jaw-shattering *POP*. From then on, our (ex)-Xtube user physically displays all of the subtle precursors to a sudden vacation from updating his insertion channel, reading his favorite newspaper on the latrine, or just generally walking with a fucking normal stance.

I would love to see the inner battle he fights with himself when he first debates eating Mexican food after this ordeal. If this little burlesque show of horror has taught me anything, it's that sometimes a life will go on, but diet habits won't.

Can YOU find Lucky's pot of gold?!

2008-05-12T16:54:00.006-04:00

Dear Raymond:

I thought I would give you a nice little surprise by cleaning your bedroom today, what with it being your 36th birthday and all. I figured it would be nice to scrape away the stalactites of dried mucous from the underside of your puzzle desk. It's also getting warmer out, so it's about time to haul down from the attic your wrap-around print wolf tee-shirts and organize them by color and state park. Just a real nice, nice surprise. That's all. Needless to say, Mama was appalled when she found videos of you relieving yourself all over our yard, prized dwarf Hinoki false-cypress, and high-end, custom-aged masonry. And what in god's green earth have you done to my measuring cups?? What am I to do with you? Heavens to Betsy this is surely not how your father and I raised you. Jesus wept. I want you out of my home by Monday morning, Mr. Rainbowman211. By the way, you also have to urinate on this photo of your poor, bloated-with-grief mama.

regretfully,

~Mama

MTV Funds The Donkey Show

2008-04-19T00:38:00.008-04:00

I do like Vice magazine, although in my defense it's obligatory. I'm 20-something, listen to self-important "independent" music, wear pants that feel more like leggings (three days out of the week, at least) and affect (occasionally, after drinking and in most social situations) the smug armchair nihilism of one who has overindulged in Chuck Palahniuk novels. So yes, I'm their audience, doing my abject doggy paddle through an ocean of snark-infected Evian just to fit in.
Following this self-conscious apology, what I mean to say is that even for those of you who aren't familiar with the criticism of this particular publication (which is now a channel, or something) there's this little gem (IN WHICH A MAN FUCKS A DONKEY!!! WARN'D!).
If for some reason your mouth feels a little bit dry but still kind of bitter, (like you just swished some cheap coffee around an hour ago and then spit it out and then like, ate three or four tortilla chips) that's just the taste of corporate come (MTV owns Vice)- feel free to like, beg them to text you some time. I mean, they won't, they're too busy trying to stay relevant [SEE ABOVE] and you're probably just too not-lame-enough to be suitably ironic (adVICE: dress like you need help dressing yourself).

"Man, you are the best."

2008-04-13T03:25:00.002-04:00

I am a man with ghosts. Ghosts of my past. Skeletons in my closet. Corpses stacked to the roof of my libido, putrefying the bedroom every night. That may be a mite bit heavy-handed. I like to think of them less as piles of pungent corpses and more as an entire banquet hall filled with countless clones of my 86-year old Uncle Ted. The one with staph-infected cracks in his hands. The one who asked me if I was familiarizing myself with the female gender as I was changing my 2-month old niece's diaper. The one who I always denied being related to in any way growing up. It's been this way forever. I don't quite remember where I was when I realized that muscular, agile men in peril hatch out entire broods of butterflies in my stomach every time. Whether its their arms turning to lead (again) and their inability to conceal their suddenly visible penises or their need to pull off some Mega Man-caliber maneuvering, inexplicably jumping from one ledge in a large metal room to another, my manhole just gets so... achy. I need them to encourage me in near-robotic voices, the more nondescript the better. I need them to part their lips for my baby bottle full of strange seminal fluids and then reward me with a hearty thumbs-up.
Yep... it can be awfully lonesome sometimes trying to fulfill these obscure-as-shit desires. Wait. Oh fuck. I almost forgot about THE INTERNET! Oops. Internet: The gumbo of fucking.

Genital Subincision, or as I like to call it, the Half-Bobbit.

2008-04-12T23:00:00.003-04:00

One of the most disturbing facts about this phenomenon is that is doesn't have a lengthy wikipedia article, which would imply that it doesn't exist. I, however, have the language of pixels on my side. And if the absence of contemporary information on inverting your penis doesn't frighten you, it's oddly comforting to know that even the traditions that require it don't really explain why it's performed.

This article should do it. I, for one, am enthralled with the simple name of the "Clip and Cut" procedure. Surely sounds like something I would do to my genitals, especially without medical training.

Of other interest, there is currently a website that allows you to rickroll people's phones. I know most of the people who troll this god-awful site must also know about it, but if I'm even educating one more person I would say it's a valiant effort. I do believe you're only offered one rickroll per 30 minutes, so choose wisely.

rickroll.prankdialer.com

Has it been a very long time yet?

Three Definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary

2008-04-07T13:57:00.002-04:00

Funnel (noun): Tube, pipe, channel, conduit.

Mouth (noun): Lips, jaws, maw, muzzle.

Feces (noun): Excrement, bodily waste, waste matter, ordure, dung, manure, excreta, stools, droppings, dirt, filth, muck, mess, night soil; INFORMAL poop, pooh, doo-doo, turds, poo, caca.

We all know how to add.

X-Men Porn

2008-04-02T12:40:00.003-04:00

There is no reason that Wolverine would risk permanent loss of his powers through sexual contact with Rogue. He would become completely immobile from the weight of his adamantium skeleton if he didn't have his superhuman strength, at the very least. This is a dumb idea. Her pubic hair is the only passably interesting part of this whole scenario.

Brazil Farts.

2008-03-29T13:31:00.003-04:00

This blog has lost its novelty.

The Shocker

2008-03-26T06:09:00.006-04:00

I'm going to assume that the tin foil hat is on the penis at the behest of the wily slatterns at MIT's Media Studies Lab ("OOOOH, look how expensive our equipment is! See how Bloomberg News said that our endowment returns were the best in the country?") Newsflash, cuntlouse: tin foil condoms don't stop anyone from reading your dick's mind. You need to teach it occlumency.

Raised by Wolves

2008-03-07T17:47:00.006-05:00

Simply posting this in the context of the other videos on this site is probably fursecution. That's kind of the point.

So proud

2008-03-06T19:22:00.004-05:00

~~Pride Sack fanart from J.Gallagher.~~

Fuck. For some reason I can have this on my Photobucket account, but not the Roarsticles. Weird.

I need a reliable hosting service that doesn't discriminate against the junk.

Judy's Bloom

2008-02-24T23:52:00.009-05:00

The back story (pun?) for this one is pretty easy to set up - guy picks up two crack whores, at least one of whom is known to him, and takes them back to some kind of seedy motel. Guy then demands that they strip before denuding himself (after all, what man in his right mind would get naked before the hookers do) and letting them go to work for a bit. Then our fellow whips out the digital camera that his son-in-law got him for Christmas from that Best-Buy in that mall up near the high school, the same digital camera he used to document the Canada geese that were swimming in his pool (to the delight of the children) this past September.
The single lens unblinkingly witnesses the travesty of the woman's asshole as it turns itself inside out in a simultaneous mockery of birth and excretion. He expresses approval at the rosebud of intestine nervously blooming before his eyes, the other woman exclaims that she's never seen one of those before - but she's game. She has to be, as his guttural susurrations encourage her to toss the salad of the prolapsed anus. Just to make damn sure that everything unforgivable, it lasts for over three minutes. At 1:06 her extroverted bowel utters the saddest fart that I have ever heard - an anguished baritone outcry against drug use and prostitution.

Eviscerape

2008-02-18T13:10:00.014-05:00

Allow me to present yet another horrible act of Asian invention (let's call it "deconstructed bestiality") hosted so generously by the chauvinist neckbeards at EFuckt.
I aver that this is film has an anachronistic vaudevillian sensibility resulting from the dramatization of ironic wordplay. This is illustrated, principally, in the conclusion, in which the male climax, a synonym of which is "head," is fantastically transmuted to a dangling and decapitated literal cranium.
The fact that it's Asian (as evidenced by the blurred genitals, which themselves are a consequence of the hollow-boned and thus aerodynamic physical structure of the races of the Orient) might lead some to speculate as to the veracity of the above exegesis, since the Asiatic peoples are not known for their innate facility with words which are, in the Queen's English, synonymous. To those nay saying armchair lexicographers, I respond with evidence provided by dear BabelFish translation that the Japanese writing of ejaculate is "精液," while head is "頭部". Both of these peculiar compound graphemes resemble the scribblings of an armless man with a mouth full of toothpicks in litter box, but since they are roughly the same length they're almost certainly considered "synonymous" in the parlance of that Mothra-infested island.

Goldfish: Semen's Condiments

2008-02-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

Remember when your ol' pop told you the story about how that one time when he was in college/the army a friend of his swallowed goldfish, only to spit them back up alive? That's just the kind of talent bulimic wang-wranglers are wild to emulate in this petite film du jour, I suppose. Why the fuck else would anyone do this?
Note: the video is tiny and is itself afloat in a sea of harlequin advertisements, but it is the only moving image on the page. In the words of The Good Dr., "it's just too small enough."

Rural Men Unite!

2008-02-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

Grab your ATVs, your Carhartt jackets, your camouflage pants! Swing by in your Chevy and bring some Slim Jims to mow down while watching WWE (while still calling it WWF). Pop in some of that Grizzly while watching videotapes of you railin' on your stepsons. Mount your treestand and live it up, live it up.

Lady's Slipper

2008-02-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

[12:55 pm Wednesday 6 Feb - back online]
[EDIT 11:50 pm Monday 4 Feb - the video seems to be off line because redtube has been haxed. boo! it'll be back soon, so don't cry about it.]

If a video incorporates 3+ fetishes within five minutes, I will almost certainly love it. This one is of particular interest because it owes its story line to M. Night Shyamalan's rejected attempt at smut. Since this is meant to be erotic, a supernatural subplot is translated into Lesbians, and his self-insertion (pun!) cameo is probably symbolic.
It starts out slowly, wooing the audience into some false sense of predictability, then suddenly at 0:50 there is a marked change in the plot's trajectory. The audience is now intrigued. The pre-established cocktail of fetishes (Same-sex coupling, Futurama Cosplay, Bathroom sex) is improved upon, a new focal point has been introduced to the film. The tension resumes once more with the aid of what looks like a sz 8-9, pausing at 1:28 for a moment of unexpected comedic relief, comparable to the tin-foil hats scene in Signs. The viewer is mid-laugh at the first twist, 1:32, which is the catalyst in a chain of events leading to the second precisely orchestrated revelation at 2:12, which ideally would be akin to the memorable and applause-worthy bombshell that first defined Shyamalan as a director, as when we realize Dr. Crowe is actually a ghost. Unfortunately, the second twist manages to surprise without really shocking, more similar to, say, finding out that the enemy in The Village is us. Rather than providing the audience with a thought provoking allegory, this video's plot is smothered by its own inconsistencies and inspires only confusion. Rating: C

Failure

2008-02-03T01:31:00.000-05:00

O college!

What what? In the Gut.

2008-01-30T17:54:00.000-05:00

While I know that this stuff is manufactured by slippery, nubile 7-10 year olds in sexy Chinese factories, that it's available to anyone who wants it (to scare potential boyfriends/landlords/whatever) for around $30 U.S.American dollars, I was led to believe (by various package warnings read in several ill-lit and wax-reeking Spencer's gift shops between 2000-2004) that these products were for novelty purposes only and not actually for insertion. Frankly, I wasn't aware that people's bodies could accommodate intrusion of this horrible dimension. Names for these mammoth colon-mashers range from "Raging Manhandler" to "Veined Double Dong" (sidenote: it's grape scented) to "King Kong" (21in, 10lbs, bigger than a cat, pictured above) and finally to the product possibly featured in this post's illustrative video, which seemingly goes by the disappointingly straightforward title "16 inch cock with balls beige " (although it looks like he's got at least 18in up there...) Even the adoring fans leaving arousing comments after the video put on their best what-the-fuck style faces to ask "So why is it you haven't long ago ruptured your colon or organ shoved around along the way, and died on the spot?" and, remembering their awe, congratulate Messr. Knki200 on his luck to have the apparently desirable "version of the human intestine track where there is a long relatively straight shot up from the anus" a.k.a. equine rectum. Actually, all of the responses are golden, personal favorite being "I love every second of it. I would love to lick the dildo through your stomach. How long can you maintain it?" adding "Because if it's more than 5 minutes I'd like to freebase some Necco conversation hearts with you as well."

Back to horses. The original reason that this caused heavy-blinking and a nose-wrinkled "Huh." from yrs trly was precisely because I was under the impression that this OUGHT to kill the fella, as evidenced by the case of Mr. Hands (warning: bestiality, which is totally legal in Washington state). The fellow getting reamed here, Kenneth Pinyan, died of a perforated colon. Anyway, horse-dicks are super-big, and human large intestines, while ~5 feet long, are fragile and easily punctured and generally not intended for 12+ inches of plastic dong, so as a valediction I quote commenter mikeeel, "Please, stop doing that!"

The Dead Land of Hershey Squirts

2008-01-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

This disclaimer was printed at the top of the upcoming video: "** If the video is not playing please click here to install flash if you don't have it, then email me or if you have any questions at emails.2girls1cup@gmail.com **"

The implications of this is that shock porn is no longer a hidden phenomena. More and more people are watching these videos out of their own volition. I would really enjoy meeting the guy who writes this email: "Excuse me, but I am not able to watch this girl drink a lot of piss. Link me to downloadable software so that I can see this ambrosia."

Speaking of excessive coprophilia and urophilia, 1girl1pitcher does a pretty good job of shocking those already desensitized by 2girls1cup. Not only is this woman willingly downing batches of her own brand, she's accepting hand-outs from nearby breweries. Note your reaction when you see that the guy spills her urine all over her chest.

In a divine moment where the transparency of viral porn becomes evident once again, someone shits into her mouth. All of these videos look like half-assed corollaries to the ever famous, ever disgusting holy grail of vomitpoopsex. With this in mind, however, I have to admit there is one scene that gets incredibly hilarious. First, the woman is covered in shit. Then, as the camera pans out a bit, we see she has nipple clamps on. As it pans further, her red latex-like boots come into view. The 4th grade innocence we attach to the phrase "Hershey Squirts" is gone, replaced with an image of a plumber staring into a clogged toilet, yanking his dog like he just don't care.

They Call'em Fingers But I've Never Seen'em Fing

2008-01-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

There is something absolutely infuriating about Asian shock porn.

Of course, we all know that the humid (and obviously fiber rich) nation of Brazil spawned the hellish gem of Cupchicks, and salsasnack.com seems representative of America. You'd think that in the arena of coprophilia and urine drenched BDSM, there would be a general level of disgust. You know, not a lot of room for videos to be THAT much grosser than one another. Well, let's leave it to the cultured cities on the other side of the world to disprove out theories. If Cupchicks could be represented by Andrew Jackson, then 2girls1finger is obviously the Ghengis Khan of shit porn.

For anything that America does, Asian countries do it multiplied by 3/2. From school to fashion, athleticism to shock porn, our society rests at their feet. The only qualm I have with this video is setting, as Cupchicks found the perfect kitchen to displease its audiences. It's an every-kitchen, a place in which your mother could have made you Chef Boyardee when you were younger. It's akin to watching someone use shit as a lubricant for vaginal sex while laying on your childhood bed. 2girls1finger abandons this, opting for a very neutral, unknown setting. Therefore, its disgust relies purely on the vomit, the poop, and the sex, which is what we're all about here at the Pridesack.

Any Way You Want It, That's The Way You Need It

2008-01-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

From the slightly offsetting tone of this woman's skin and the heavily upsetting tone of her "bronzer," we're able to discern one thing from the start of this video:

Things ain't gettin' much prettier from here on.

There is already a meat cigar worthy of Groucho in the arena, and I think the question in everybody's mind is: "What's going to happen with that?" Has shock porn achieved enough popularity to be able to make comfortable allusions to such phenomena as Cupchicks (2 Girls 1 Cup) or Goatse.cx? The answer, quite simply, is yes. This video, however, is a false example. Why, you ask?

Because this girl vaginally ingests the poo, and then PCs it right onto her own happy trail.

This legendary move (packing your bean curd into a disreputable woman's sniz), often referred to as "the muffin loaf" or "space docking," has not been well documented on video, probably due to a common lack of sexual interest. This move places coprophilia to another level, as it begs the question: "Can we raise the bar and place this stinky, concentrated evil into your cooch, risking various diseases and lowering the world's cumulative integrity?"

How do you top the turdtwat? And more importantly, how does the porno continue after the cannon has been fired? If someone can find a decent corollary to this video, post post post. The Muffin Loaf Clientele are waiting.

Bananas Gallo

2008-01-05T20:07:00.000-05:00

Charaters: M - Maya, owner of "Maya's Butthole" T- Irma "The Lisping Tiger" Rabinowitz C - Vincent Gallo's Canadian Doppleganger
M: Okay, one... two... three...
[pop] [backmask]

T: Oh, dude!
C: Oh fuck, you missed.
T: It hit my mouth, I just couldn't catch it...
C: Okay, well we want to have this in there for fucking the slow motion replay, okay, you gotta catch it, alright? Don't miss it. Catch it. I want you to bite it, okay?
T: I'd better fucking catch it, Maya.
M: K, You ready?
C: Ready.
[pop]

T: Fuck!
C: Alright, this... look, you gotta get it in there, okay? Are you ready?
T: One...
[pop]

T: Fuck, dude, it just doesn't fucking like kinda stay in my mouth, it just like, kinda hits it...
M: Just stick it in there...
C: When you catch it you're actually supposed to open your mouth wide and catch it mid-air, like a dog, you know?
[pop]

M: Oops, sorry, that was my fault...
T: Okay.
M: Push it in there deep, okay? There, you ready?
T: Okay.
M: One, two, three-
[pop]

C and M together: Hahahaha.
T: I think-
C: Okay, let's skip the banana - we have more things we can fucking play with, okay? We got the corn over here that we haven't even touched. Okay, here's some corn-
T: I think there's still a strawberry up there-
C: We don't care about the strawberry, put that corn on the cob up her butt.
T: Woot!
C: What just came out, a grape? Hahahaha.
[end]

So Sayeth Fox News

2008-01-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

Addendum to posts by Ko Ko and Night of the Living: Cutting it off is illegal, even if you do it voluntarily, I guess.

Chicken: The Third Most Fuckable Meat

2008-01-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, the remainder of the birdthigh will inevitably be diddled off into her baby canal until it eventually rots and gently gristles out ("gristle" being here used as not only a verb but an onomatopoeia) in a thick, grey gravy sludge.

I was really hoping that her vagina would take a dainty bite out of it - that the meat would be masticated in her nether-maw and digested in reverse order. KFC penetration shouldn't be this wasteful, right? That's some first class edible enjoyment, right there. Thank VeganChrist that her boyfriend manages to regurgitate a few greasy meat shards into her mouth like some sweaty maternal manbird, ensuring that it wasn't entirely wasted...

BallMashers II

2007-12-31T14:23:00.000-05:00

NOTE: If Ko Ko's post of the BME self-castration bothered you, you'll probably hate this, so if you're covered in baby girls or are otherwise of the weak-and-moist persuasion, just leave this one alone. Really.
However, if you hate your testicles enough to puncture them with play-piercing needles loaded into a caulking gun, or if it ever seems like a neat-o idea to light your dick on fire, please video tape it and post it to the internet so that I can leave commentary in the form of yawning emoticons and mock-directions to The Department of Redundancy Department.
PS. To the Good Dr. B., I'm sorry that at 0:17 there is a guy spraying bloody semen. There is, sadly, very little left to be done in the realm of scrotal destruction.

Rather, From The War To The Womb

2007-12-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

"Protect our troops - from the womb to the war. What if the fetus you were going to abort would grow up to be a soldier bringing democracy to a godless dictatorship?"

Caption Contest

2007-12-26T21:55:00.000-05:00

Winner gets bragging rights. Happy Holidays.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

2007-12-25T18:24:00.000-05:00

Carlos must be a very lucky man.

Castrotica... The Worst Planet EVER

2007-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

What is it about the prospect of scooping my penis from my pelvic cavity that makes me quiver and convulse involuntarily? Why does my heart sink to my feet when I imagine bobbing my balls with a rubber band until they blacken, dessicate, and flake away like sexy dandruff? Is there something wrong with me? It's not because I'm a sexually-defined dudebro either. When I see Chris Farley get rogered in his meatbasket with a giant fish, I barely take notice. It's just not a tender subject of mine. I can, and have on numerous occasions, watched gender reassignment procedures without batting an eye. The idea of flaying my penis and shoving it back inside of me to make an ugly little cooter doesn't "irk" me. At least not in any emasculating way. It garnishes a big "whatever" on the "holy fucking shit" scale. So why do eunuchs make me want to die a little bit... oh alright, A WHOLE LOT? I think it's that becoming a eunuch is so final. It's like being trapped in sexual purgatory, where repulsive, body-modified men named "Byron" and "Skab" force you to eat uncooked rice and lactate into their willing mouths. If the mind-numbing duress and finality of replacing your entire biological motivation with keloid-scarred androgyny is something that appeals to your weekend warrior side, then, maybe you need something to dissuade you.

Albino Porn

2007-12-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

Oh holy grail of internet porns, I salute thee.
Here at Pridesack, we usually post videos. Usually. Today I make the exception because I'm damned if I can find free interweb videos of albino porn - somebody please prove me wrong.
Anyway, these are all the same girl, the same albino, but boy does she love touching wee-wees on camera for profit. And yes, I do believe in her albinism, despite the pigmentation of the eyes, she seems to have otherwise unnaturally blonde hair (the roots of which show to varying degrees) and of course, melanin-free skin. More about the eyes (which are not lab-rat-red)-
"Oculocutaneous albinism type 1 (OCA1) (Mendelian Inheritance in Man (OMIM) 203100) is the type with (usually) the least amount of pigment. People with this type generally have very pale skin, white to yellow hair (depending on subtype, see below) and light blue eyes..."
Yes, this is the "surprise" I mentioned last Friday - SomethingAwful goons said that it couldn't be done and fucking BAM! I ruled them tres hard.
"Why is this awesome?" you might ask (if you're an asshole who hates fun) - well, because it's rare - albinism is, I mean, and the point of "awesome" porn (not gross, not painful, not stimulating, necessarily, but awesome porn) is to find the exotic and force it into some form of eroticism. Rarities (congenital deformations, amazing talents, fantastic locations, costumes, positions, etc.) plus sexual acts (or at least genital contact) equals pretty interesting stuff. So you know, have at it.
P.S. You're all very welcome.

Oi!/Oy!

2007-12-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

After much begging, pleading and black mail, Ms. Owen has finally allowed me to contribute to the crusty, runny, smelly little erogenous zone we call the Pride Sack. It's an, um, honor. I think.

Unfortunately, the footsteps I have to follow are of such great girth and width. Each and every one of the regular contributors are valued connoisseurs of the filthy underbelly of the online porno community. What could I possibly offer?

Seeing that there's a monopoly held on unsettling and disgusting content I suppose I will have to use my expertise of all things awkward to pull my weight around here.

And what could be more awkward than curious skinheads?

Okay, I guess they seem pretty sure of themselves. Apparently the only thing skinheads love more than smoking, drinking, atrocious techno and beating the shit out of people is some good old fashioned brotherly love.
A-dorable.

This on the other hand just scares me. This is a man who you do not want to cruise. Any guy badass enough to rock the U.S. flag chest piece while spraying seed all over the internet is far too much man for me. I don't think I've ever encountered someone so enthusiastic about causing harm with his sex organs and jizz-lathered hand. He doesn't even know you, but boy does he want to make you his bitch. Yikes.

On that note, be safe this holiday season. Though times get lonely, fellating scary skinhead boys isn't always the answer. I leave you with an alternative.
Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah

"He Eats Shit While His Mullet Blows in the Wind"

2007-12-10T17:20:00.000-05:00

Despite having one of the most poetic titles I've ever encountered, this video kind of sucks for a couple reasons. You can tell it's not home-distributed because of the music. What kind of self-respecting redneck would publish a video of himself tossing his wife's salad to weirdo 80s trance music? In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Greens Trailer Park, he owes it to his fellow greasemonkeys to play "Enter Sandman" on his cassette player as he cornholes someone who could very well be his 3rd cousin.

Man, I was hoping that shocking fetishes wouldn't penetrate that demographic, partially because they're kinda gross enough, you know? I used to see a lot of 5th graders at my old school wearing XXL Looney Tunes shirts from 1994, talking about how kickass their father's Chevy was (dual pipes? Rev that shit!). After you see this guy's wife soft-serve up some of last night's TV dinner, you're automatically treated to a guest tour of what it looks like to eat shit in the bathroom of a double wide.

(P.S. You never actually see his mullet blow in the wind, but as the video ends abruptly, you can see that he was going to spit the dook all over his wife's back. Extra-credit to anyone who finds the second edition of: "Gone Muddin' With My Wife.")

Latent Seafood Fetish

2007-12-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm glad that seafood fucking crosses gender and ethnic divides. Really. And what are those chicks playing with in the background? Oh yeah, eels. The ladies in the background look eastern european, so Japan apparently doesn't have a corner on the fornicating-with-edible-aquatic-life market - a fact that doesn't comfort me in the slightest. Is it the slipperiness, the phallic shape, the vaguely-vaginal smell, the taboo, the teeth? Is this thing diversely documented because it is a ubiquitous fetishization of seadwellers, or am I just preoccupied with this particular bizarre means to orgasm? I'm actually surprised that I've been unable to find a specific website dedicated to mammalian-osteichthyes eroticism. As there are extant videos, I had kind of assumed that there was a niche site, you know? Pay-per-video shit. Perhaps there are sites like that, just not in English, which brings me to a new pet complaint -
Ways in which Google disappoints me:
-A Journal of Narrative Theory essay by Ulrike Brisson about Mary Kingsley's study of Fetish in West Africa, called Fetish and Fish, was able to mislead me for several paragraphs before the term fetish was explained as the colonial use of the term, as idolic, polytheistic worship or something. I DO NOT LIKE BEING DUPED BY SUBJECT SPECIFIC DEFINITIONAL VARIANTS, ULRIKE.
-Fetishfish.com is not about fish fetishes, at all.
Next week I have a surprise for you all, and it isn't this.

Brown Town Revisited

2007-12-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

I like to look up pornos with the word "disaster" right there in the title - it comforts me to imagine that I'm about to witness some sort of pornographic tragedy, and face it, this blog is all about pornographic tragedy. This, then, is it - the sort of thing that those who engage in dumpster diving live in terror of (well, this and the rectal prolapse thing). What did I learn from this? Most importantly, I learned that Tucker Max is no fibber. I learned how to pause any porno set, if even for a moment. I learned not to let the mic guy play practical jokes that involve putting eyedrops in the pornstar's coffee. Also, I learned that hardcoreweather.com is not nearly as entertaining as I'd hoped.

Pain Is The Cleanser

2007-12-04T17:26:00.000-05:00

[note: please watch this video on mute, as otherwise Bush totally ruins my argument.]

Essentially, this is how Lemmy would masturbate if Lemmy ever masturbated, which he does not, because he can't keep the gash off of his steel-like manhood long enough to wrap his powerful fist around it. Rather than the inverted schadenfreude of typical S&M, this is just METAL. Like, say, eating lightbulbs and listening to Judas Priest/Gorgoroth/Dethklok/Mayhem/Napalm Death, putting umlauts over every letter in your name, growing your hair as thin, greasy, and damaged as possible, getting a tattoo of a viking ship made of skulls, or just being Andrew W.K. - this is probably just the most METAL way to masturbate (unless you're jerkin' it in the pit, punching guys all the while and like, rubbing their blood and teeth into it or something). The scrotal garrote proves that you are a man, and you rock deadly hard, so hard that your balls just turn black from the force of your spermatozoal might (and also from that rubber band you're strangling them with).

Can Your Pussy Do The Urinal?

2007-12-03T22:14:00.000-05:00

Let's take this conversation from piss hole to piss hole, shall we?
This video is of interest for three reasons that I can think of directly:
1) the hose-master has an accent which allows me to imagine him as a sedated Paul Hogan
2) you can clearly see her vaginal walls as she "push[es] it out slowly"
3) the audio equipment used in this recording was some kind of wonderful, and the sound of fresh urine being PC-muscled out of a vagina is like, incredibly horrible
oh, and 4) the video ends on a queef

Why use a perfectly lovely (if slightly hyper-elastic) vagina as a urinal? Did they, too, watch that episode of South Park where Cartman explains intercourse thusly: "Stick it inside her and pee. If you don't want to get her pregnant you pull it out and pee on her leg"? I tried to ask Google for an answer, but all I got was this game which is hosted on funnygames.biz but is not a funny game AT ALL. "The object of this game is to make this sexy but terrified girl pee." Start playing and notice which hole the "stick"(nail?) is going in.

Levi: I would never buy that for the Wii

lol, Levi, lol.

The Other Out-Hole

2007-11-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

Please, for a moment, consider catheter insertion. Remove it from medical necessity, and cogitate whether this is something you would ever want done to your genitals for fun. The audience I've polled, some among them who have endured the exquisite experience of getting a piece of tubing shoved into their urethrae, almost universally shout "No, Ms. Owen, that would be painful and it would suck horribly!" And yes, it most certainly would, because the urethra is a tiny, fragile orifice designed for getting UTIs and expelling body fluids. Cue squirm-inducing video:

For Him

For Her [thank you to the Kozak for this delicious donation]

More on urethra sex/sounding/pee holes in THE FUTURE!

Unrelated:
Anteaters have four-pronged schlongs, which grow to enormous size and shoot barbed sperm that cause vaginal catastrophes in female anteaters after each session of intercourse. Additionally, I am not a scientist and base half of my research on lying. Fact check me here.

I love reactions to cupchicks, and I love grandma. I also love combinations.
Speaking of Cupchicks, The Smoking Gun just did a fabulous little piece on the origins of; Dlisted sees the story, and raises you a "blame Alberto Gonzalez".

Here Be Low Prices

2007-11-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't seen it already (it has been blogged to death, but I offer it regardless) here's the video of a 21yr old from Arizona - "Baseballplaya" - who happens to enjoy badgering his witness in Wal-Marts and Dillards, in the natural habitat of trouser-perusing octogenarians. This video was originally posted on X-tube before it was removed (along with his profile, which described an affection for edging, bears, and daddies.)
Wal-Mart has historically been a site for births, deaths, and D&D lolz, so it doesn't surprise me that he would chose to stage a solitary, genitally exposed larping campaign there. The question then remains, what would his character gain from such a quest? I found the answer lurking like a mangy inbred child in the mind of my local DM, Kyle "Extreme Kyle!" Dart-Gintzler:

Dart: In that case I would actually say he gets a magic item from it. Maricopa County and Walmart's Enchanted Parchment of Restrained Order. While it is cursed in that he can't get into a Walmart without summoning 6d6 kobolds to attack, he gets a +5 to all intimidate checks against women, and a +5 to bluff checks to kids.
Dart: Also a sword that does an extra 5 damage to gnolls
Dart: It's also better used as an adventure hook where he has a reason to go through the dungeon "Maricopa County Jail." But that adventure is only for level 10 or above players

Dick Splinters

2007-11-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

You know that post I made earlier about furniture porn, and how I expressed a desire for a live-action video presentation thereof? Right, well, wish granted - lucky me.
Why is this wonderful? Because it's absurd to have intercourse with such a sexless object. Perhaps my admiration of the video is just general penis envy; I'll be the first to admit that if I was blessed with the endowment of a clam-hammer I'd be cramming it into every gaping maw and unresponsive slot I could find (instead, I'm cursed with a camera-pouch).
The video's description provides no insight into motivation, and instead reads like one of those brilliantly scripted MAD TV sketches that celebrate the linguistic impairments of foreigners:

"A guy is fucking his chair...

The chair didn't orgasming."

Was the chair supposed to orgasm, or is that sarcasm? He doesn't seem to be putting forth much effort at getting the chair off, but some guys are like that. What would a chair orgasm even look like? Why did he film it? Why is there a page-peel transition to the slowmo takes of this guy dicking the chair? Why do his moans sound like a door creaking open? Is he doing this to prove a point?

Airtight Seals: Fetish or Fuckin' Weird?

2007-11-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

In traversing the dark subcultures as presented by the myriad of internet porn videos that Google will yield, sometimes you DON'T find gems. In an attempt to find videos that are relevant to the (dare I say?) shocking nature of sexuality, I've obtained one clip that runs tangential to our focus. It's not quite sexual, yet it can't be quite platonic.

The act that this man commits is so easily justifiable as an act of hazing, but nowhere in the video do you find evidence of another person. The only sentient being is himself, taking a warm Roman facial (made possible by the wonders of saran wrap). As a digression, would you say that saran wrap is innocent stuff? I would have five weeks ago, only having knowledge of it as the plastic that kept my casseroles fresh. Now it's just a common item in shock fetish videos. Something to keep the shit out but the vomit in. Yummy!

The last phrase in the video is: "Pretty gross, but I just got it done." What influence created this man's urge to "get it done?" He doesn't seem to be a "Larry the Cable Guy" type, although it's hard to tell now. Drinking nearly a gallon of milk is crazy enough, but wanting to squelch your face in it is... inexplicable.

This video can't be sexual. I hope it is.

If They're Teenage, Is This Illegal?

2007-11-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

Today is Part 1 of "Sex With Things That Scare Me":
Giant Squid (AKA God's Tumors) - Since Giant Squid are notoriously rare, and so evil that the blackness of their sin chemically eviscerates anyone unfortunate enough to encounter them, their closest (also evil, but more edible) relative is the common, creepy-ass cephalopod: the octopus. This video is like a Japanese essay composed around the generic thesis question "If I can put in in my mouth and my aquarium, why can't I have sex with it until it dies?"
See also: the eels, the seacucumber thing
As an aside (or some kind of compensatory video post for my general laziness) here's a shittily forced portrait of one of America's greatest heroes in a half-shell, and of fucking course it's on an EverQuest messageboard. Spoiler: April gets a nunchuck in her puckered starfish, and it is awesome.

Dear Japan...

2007-11-21T23:15:00.000-05:00

I'm so mad at you right now - your filthy, slippery body and your harsh moon-language squeals during the orgasms you earn from the most abominable, loathesome sources, your rapturous convulsions at the sight of potential food source/bodily orifice combinations, your little hands and impossible promises of yaoi-drawing robots...
Oh, and this.
What the fuck, Japan? No, you know what? No. It isn't fucking OK. Put your over-enthusiastic peace-sign down and shut up about "desu, desu!!!!," we're done. Stop it. No, I'm out of here. Don't ever try to fucking call me again.

An Engineering Marvel

2007-11-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

The future is cumming.

Amputation; part deux

2007-11-20T03:37:00.000-05:00

Today's "DON"T CROSS THE STREAMS" combines amputation fetishes with civil war reenactment!

You can get started by doing some research over at sonofthesouth.net, where they have real civil war era doctors notes on how to remove that hideous limb.

Having made a circular division of the integuments, the next object is, to preserve skin enough to cover the front of the tibia, and the part of the stump corresponding to the situation of the tibialis anticus, extensor longus pollicis, and other muscles, between the tibia and fibula, including those covering the latter bone. Throughout this extent, there are no bulky muscles which can be made very serviceable in covering the end of the stump, and consequently the operator must here have sufficient skin, by dissecting it up, and turning it backwards.

You can find Civil War era surgical like this guy did for under $60, but make sure they're not fake. I've been burned too many times while buying antique medical equipment to not warn the less experienced.

Congratulations on the bear!

2007-11-20T02:18:00.000-05:00

This has everything you want in a porn movie: Animal cruelty, bland sex and dogs discovering irony.

Apotemnophilia: Puns Ensue

2007-11-20T02:08:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you've never stared at one of your limbs and wished it would make like a rocket and take off.

But what happens when you catch the old phantomus limbus? After the years of fantasizing and inevitable fetishization of the removal of your own limbs, you finally get that hateful mobility-monger off of you, but you remain haunted by it's ghost!! Like some kind of fucking foot-shaped Casper the Friendly Ghost, your new phantom limb itches, cramps, and sweats just like it used to, with the grave exception that you can't itch it, adjust it, or put a sweat-band on it.

That's when you visit Doctor Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, a neuroscientist who famously helped an amputee get rid of most of his phantom limb. When the good doctor was done, his dear patient had only phantom fingerlets attached to his shoulder.

One of my favorite podcasts, Radio Lab did an excellent piece on this doctor's revolutionary therapy in which he used a mirror to trick the brain into uncramping a phantom limb. Skip to 18:18 to hear the full, totally awesome story.

Sexually Retarded

2007-11-20T01:38:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Jason. When I was invited to come down to the Pridesack office, I was beside myself with glee. I had no idea that my visit would end in my becoming a full-time guest-blogger. At least not before Ms. Owen entered the meeting room with not one, not two, but three acrobatic sex midgets in tow. Their exposed genitals were a mess of nails, blood, and a variety of flora. As they pleasured her, she explained between gurgling, gibbering shrieks of hateful excitement that I was to become GUEST BLOGGER IN CHIEF.

"Oooohhh my god," I thought. "They're going to eat her, and then they're going to eat me." One of the midgets darted it's eyes up from it's work and eyed me hungrily. Immediately, Ms. Owen lifted the thing into the air with one well executed tug. Patches of pubic hair ripped away and hung from it's saline-injected lips. A single tear rolled down it's cheek, sliding invisible through a fake mustache as she flung it into a corner. The poor thing crumpled head first against a novelty sized pink anvil. It's head became a thing of blood and meat and possibly living viscera, as the organs spilling from it seemed to writhe in spasmagic pain. Pink goo bloomed from it's bare, ambiguous genitals, and I realized it was dying mid-orgasm.

"I'll take it, the job I mean!", I hollered, trying to un-widen my eyes. Too late, I realized my tongue had been lolling loosely from my placid features, and I bit down mid sentence.

Dude Fellates Dolphin; Excitement Should Not Ensue

2007-11-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

Alright, today was my birthday. I'm a full 19 years old, and let's say I want to cruise the internet for some innocent, interesting stuff.

You would think that that situation could end innocently. Maybe I could go to Pitchfork and laugh at some pretentious reviews, search Wikipedia for some random shit, or even go to my college's website and get some goddamn work done.

Nope. Dolphin Porn.

Since starting this website, my normal interests have all been subjugated to this revolting fascination. I can't read music reviews anymore without thinking of the bestiality I could be writing about here. It's like being on the event horizon of a black hole.

If the black hole were a dude suckin' on a dolphin's dick.

2007-11-17T13:36:00.001-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEVI, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!

Furniture Porn?

2007-11-16T21:09:00.001-05:00

Yes, FURNITURE PORN! I do wish that it was a proper video, but the slide-show is necessary for the display of the dialog. Also, furniture is inanimate and as such, it cannot actually copulate.

As today is Friday, please to enjoy some Smurves. Smurfs? No, Smurves. I'm pretty impressed by the quality of the blue body-paint, and the fact that they're catering to a seemingly French/American nostalgia while speaking Portuguese or Spanish or something (someone clear this up for me, please?)
Two choice aspects of this spectacle? A little after half-way through, they whistle as they blow bang Smurfette. Also, Gargamel has his numbingly repetitive way with her. Unfortunately, Smurf-canon is not adhered to, as male Smurves were bald under their hats, and Gargamel was always accompanied by Azrael.
Next week: either I'll find Snorks porn or, more likely, just more Asians and seafood.

shoot from the hip

2007-11-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

This update is late because I'm morose.
It's more fucking dinosaur porn, only this time, shittier costume, shittier cast, and everyone looks painfully uncomfortable. I can't decide if this is a spoof or not; on the one hand there is a whole bunch of green ejaculate coming from a fake (plastic?) boner on a guy in a dinosaur costume. On the other hand, there is what appears to be genuine discomfort on the part of the ladies, at least, and you just know that the guy in the costume is having about as much fun as a mascot at a little-league game for a team full of carpet samples. I don't know if that made sense. This really isn't funny. I've been drinking.
Here's another thing, and this time a gross one. So, enjoy the notfunny+gross. There is liver (?) in her vagina, and it looks like guts.

I read a how-to about fucking a chicken.

2007-11-14T19:07:00.000-05:00

Finding material for this is time-consuming. I have to wade through a lot of human-hell just to find these sparkling, puckered gems. For example, today I watched videos of a horse fucking a man (the one who later died from a punctured colon and they made that documentary Zoo about it) and a girl who has some kind of raisin for a vagina and this one horrible video of a girl shooting a brown bear and then having sex on it. I read a how-to about fucking a chicken. People are vile creatures when they know they're being filmed. I'm not hyperlinking to these videos because they're not good enough. Bestiality isn't funny, and it's the entirely wrong sort of vulgar (eels don't count as animals because they lay eggs that become larva. Fuck them.) and making fun of someone's genitals seems unnecessarily cloddish. On to the video!

This is blasphemous. And German. Of course it's fucking German - just two adjectives and you already know what happens.

The Pterodactyl Hypothesis

2007-11-13T11:02:00.000-05:00

Although the nature of many videos previously posted is somewhat... odd, I think we can reasonably attach some sort of provocation to the fetishes presented. Even if we don't understand the psychological roots of coprophilia or why some people just like getting barfed on, there are insinuations.

Poo is warm, pseudo-orgasmic in its hurried release, and it (according to the text following Cupchicks) symbolizes some sort of submission to a (shitty) Peter Pan complex. I understand that casting off all of the shameful connotations usually associated with deucing your cargoes is appealing to some people, and there exists a similar argument for vomit. Yet, sometimes my intuition is eluded.

I really have no idea why pterodactyl porn exists.

Its mere existence is an arrogant assumption. I can't imagine there is a very vocal dinosaur fetish community, and I supremely doubt that it would amalgamate for long enough to set a reasonably attractive girl atop some Cretaceous rod.

There are many questions asked in this video, yet in conclusion, I just want to ask the most imminent one.

Was the inclusion of the puppet serious?

Osteogenesis Imperfecta

2007-11-12T19:56:00.000-05:00

As far as this site goes, three things:
Please comment. It makes us happy to read comments, and you want to make us happy, right?
Finding this material is going to become increasingly difficult as time goes on, so please, submit shit! Just e-mail it in or whatever and if it rules it'll get posted, and you'll get the credit for it and you too can become America's Sweetheart!
Lastly, the site is going to be updated on weekdays, whenever we get around to it which will hopefully be in the afternoon but certainly before midnight. Now back to the linking:

This is only 1:34 long, but all you actually need to watch starts at 1:00. just... give it 34 seconds. She's either a zombie or some kind of starving, soiled nympho. I'm not even going to say what happens, but oh god, watch it!

In supplementary news, there is now a porn site devoted to the handicapped, called gimpsgonewild. I have no immediate reaction to this; everyone else gets to do it, why shouldn't the crippled further marginalize themselves by catering to fetishes? But here's the kicker, they're selling things also. It isn't merchandise, so much as it is used panties and dildos. Perhaps you are not offended by self-exploitation, or the sale of soiled goods, but look at the layout of that website! It is so painfully trashy - it's almost as if the "regulars" of the Hot Topic in Macon, Georgia kind of rubbed their paws together and spent two hours listening to Limp Bizkit - NOT IRONICALLY! - and crapping this website into being. Seriously, flames?

Name that creature

2007-11-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

This is, in my opinion, a perfect follow-up to yesterday's Eel porn, which I feel as if I should have written more about. Anyway, the problem with this porn is that I have no idea what the creature is that they're using. A mudpuppy, perhaps? Do seacucumbers have guts? Around {Edit: more like 2.30-3.00} minutes in, it gets really icky.
Seriously, what is that?

Why is there no poop on xtube?

2007-11-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

[Edit: Becca rescinds her insult towards me]

We are bad people.

Of course, the word "bad" is a rather vague adjective, so it requires a qualifying statement. You know, something that illustrates just how far gone we are.

www.meatspinnetwork.com

This website hosts some of the most famous shock porn clips to ever grace your best friend's laptop via a cleverly disguised link. The clips come in varying quality, from the shit-blurry mudfall.com to the stark, centripetal reality of meatspin.com. Often, some incomprehensibly appropriate song will play alongside the clip, challenging your interest in every band that has been even remotely related to roman showers or scatophagia.

When did pornography turn into something other than fodder for flesh pleasures? Like a Dedekind cut, there must be one point at which desire turned into something more ominous, disgusting, and full of unneeded humor. We just can't locate it.

Of course, I'm neglecting the fact that some people are, in fact, very much aroused by shit and vomit. I don't know if the meatspin network caters to this clientele, although I am inclined to believe that it is merely for shock purposes.

It's hilarious to derogate sensuality these days, and if you don't like it, you can suck a dick.

Or vomit on one, your choice.

Eels

2007-11-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

Okay. Levi is being a lazy f-bag about doing his guest post. That's okay.
Instead, let me welcome you to a wonder of modern Asia: part one and two of Eel porn.
They're baby eels and yes, that is an asshole.

Cathy

2007-11-08T03:07:00.000-05:00

Cathy is a porn that I would put in the "funny stuff to send your friends who don't like scato" folder. It isn't profound, or profoundly upsetting, unless you hate interracial or something. To be enjoyed, though, it MUST be viewed with the volume on. Srsly.